It’s the Little Things…

IT’S THE SEEMINGLY LITTLE THINGS I MISS about being in a relationship. You know, those things that just two people share together, that are just natural and that are just there and that you try not to take for granted (and hope that you didn’t as much as you likely may have). This is the longest I’ve been single in quite a long time, and while that’s not going to change anytime soon, during the ongoing, often exhausting exercise of trying not to be single, it’s easy to forget what you miss about being in a relationship. Things like…

Taking selfies, having a picture of her and you at your desk, someone to talk to anytime, someone who wants to talk to you, that little hitch of excitement you get prior to seeing her, hearing that song you’ve been meaning to play for her, sitting next to her in a booth at a restaurant, spooning, seeing her name and number come up on your phone, planning for that next weekend together, bringing flowers over, laughing at stupid things, her not laughing at your stupid things, sharing, little and big traditions, routines that don’t feel routine, the good feeling when she arrives with a little overnight bag, the good feeling when you’re packing your overnight bag, road trips, shopping, sleeping in, binge-watching whatever, that little way she looks at you…

So that’s what keeps you motivated, getting that again, while not missing what was.

And yet…all that said, I’m tired of trying, tired of the online dating circus.  Someone recently described it as going on a “series of job interviews for a job I’m not sure I even want to take.” Ultimately, I still want that “job” but it’s getting the “interviews” and the process that are tiring and time-consuming. It’s also tiring, to continue the job metaphor a bit more, when you’re in the gig while the other person is still interviewing/auditioning – a.k.a., still going on dates with people. It gets confusing: when are we exclusive? especially when things get a bit physical. It’s like a constant competition, filled with poker faces and stifled, tilted messages; you don’t want to show your hand too much, too early.

Time to take a break from the chase, so to speak.

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